In reflecting on the process of making disciples that I’m learning to practice, I’ve realized that it involves a real death to self for the leader at every stage along the way. As Jesus said, “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” This is certainly true in making disciples.
In fact, the success of the discipling process depends largely on the leader’s willingness to die to their own desires, laying down their lives for those they are discipling. The death is slightly different in every stage, but it is a death nonetheless, which perhaps explains why many find it easier to just keep doing ministry as usual. Here are my observations about how a leader dies to self in the first couple stages of the discipling journey.
Death in the First Phase
A discipling relationship starts when a leader decides that they are going call someone else to follow them (typically this is done in small groups, like Jesus did it, but let’s just focus on a leader and a disciple for now). This is when a leader gives a strong, clear vision for others to follow.
The leader dies in this phase by casting clear enough vision for people to say “No thanks.” The temptation is always to sugar-coat the vision in order to rally more people around it, because it feels like you’ll have a better chance of success with more people. Plus it feels like a validation of the awesomeness of your vision! This is what you need to die to.
The leader dies in the first phase by being willing to see people leave because they don’t resonate with the vision. You need to be willing to say, kindly but firmly, “This is where I’m going. I’d love for you to come, but you don’t have to. But regardless of whether you come or not, this is where I’m going.”
Mike Breen says that a discipling culture means that everyone looks like a sheep from the front and a shepherd from the back. The death in the first phase is being willing to let people go if they don’t see you as a shepherd. We have to be willing to step out in the role of the shepherd, calling others to imitate us as we imitate Christ.
Death in the Second Phase
After a leader has called a group of people together around a vision, it’s kind of fun and exciting for awhile, but then reality hits. People begin to realize they’ve got all kinds of junk in their lives that needs to be taken care of. Character issues surface, incompetencies rear their ugly heads, frustration seems to be flourishing, fruit is not forthcoming, the vision seems unattainable and people are sorely tempted to quit altogether or go find another vision.
This phase is the hardest, longest, and most important part of the journey for the disciples. And they almost never get through it unless the leader can undergo a second death. The leader needs to offer an abundance of time, vision, and grace during this phase, becoming a patient coach to get them through. One of the temptations for leaders during this phase is to selfishly guard your time and not give your disciples enough access to your life.
The leader dies in the second phase by being willing to be interrupted and inconvenienced by the disciple’s struggles and needs, by giving access when it would be easier to keep the walls up, by taking a phone call when you’d rather go to bed. The leader lays down the independent use of his time in the second phase, allowing herself to become a ladder for others to climb out of the pit of the second phase.
I’m sure there are other deaths a leader must die to make disciples. These are simply recent personal experiences for me. The “aha” moment for me was simply realizing that making disciples is less of a mechanical systematic process and more of a continual surrender to Christ, increasing death to self, and fruitfulness emerging from weakness and brokenness.
Thank for your thoughts Ben! I wonder if a person is making disciples without being willing to die to self…What then is motivating the person to make disciples? What type of disciples will they make?
Great questions Heath! I can imagine all kinds of spurious motivations for making disciples. Maybe you're convinced it will help you grow your church, so survival and security is the motivation. Or perhaps you like being in charge and bossing people around, and the idea of making disciples sounds like a good way to do that 😉 And I would think that because imitation is key to the whole process, that you will multiply whatever is in you into those who follow you. If you're not willing to die to self, neither will any of your disciples.
Good word, Ben. Dying to self is the hardest part of church planting; self does not like to stay dead.
Indeed Scott! Sometimes I feel like God led us into churn-planting purely for the sanctification value it would have for me. 🙂
Lord – teach us to give : and not to count the cost.
Amen!
In a few weeks I'm going to be talking to a potential upstart missional community and it seems that this discussion should be at the center of my time with them. Initially they asked about my ideas on a "church model" so maybe I'll put a presentation together and call it "The Death Model" what do you think, has a nice ring to it right? This insight into death to self continues to hit me in the face these days when I have many embracing the vision along with a few that just don't seem to get it and who also want to poison the community well. Wise words Ben, as always!
Thanks Joel. We always try to keep things complex and easy. Jesus always makes them simple, but hard.
Hi Ben, In your post you mentioned that to start a discipling relationship, the leader needs to give "a strong, clear vision for others to follow". Is this the same as inviting people into "a well defined discilping relationship"? If it is, what would a strong and clear vision look like? What ingredients would we not want to miss out in a strong and clear vision? And how not to sugar-coat it? What would you explain to someone about "where are you going"?
Jason, those are some great questions!Yes, the invitation needs to be clear, with a vision for what the relationship will look like, what the results will be, etc. So you want to make sure you give them a clear picture of both the PRIZE and the PRICE.The PRIZE means that they'll be able to live more fully into God's kingdom, they'll experience more of the abundant life He promises. They'll experience healing and equipping and begin to grow into the fullness of all that God has for them, both in terms of covenant relationship and in terms of kingdom representation.The PRICE means that this will require their full attention and effort. Half-measures won't do. Telling them that at some point they will lead others, passing along everything that has been invested in them. Telling them that it will get hard and they'll want to quit, that it will be the process of fully surrendering to Jesus, dying to self, that it will require sacrifice and effort and investing all they've got in the process.Hope that helps! Again, great questions.
I'm 7 months into a huddle group now learning and implementing the lifeshapes, and indeed i'm experiencing both the prize and the price. Thx for putting it this way. This perspective helps a lot.
It seems that the prize and price for them, shall also be the ongoing prize and price for us when the discipling relationship starts. Discipleship is both rewarding and costly, whether it's on the giving end or the receiving end. Both have to die to self…lolz
I'm also wondering when in inviting someone by giving a clear vision, do we need to go into some of the specifics of the structures (vehicles) and time factors? Do we need to explain and ask for a commitment for both the organized and organic aspects of the relationship?
I'm just wondering how detailed should we be in the invitation (sharing of vision)…
In general, Jason, I would be as clear and concrete as possible about expectations when inviting someone into a discipling relationship. One way of sugar-coating the vision is to make it fuzzy and ephemeral instead of specific and concrete. So I'd be as detailed as possible in the invitation.
Do you have to be a leader to ate disciples? Maybe I misread your post, but this seems to be a trend in thinking at the moment – you are badged a ''leader" if you do this, and vice versa. This does not seem biblical to mea,
It seems to me that if you are making disciples you are by definition a leader. You are literally leading others in discipleship. My Making Disciples series might be a great place to start to learn more about what I mean.